**Disclaimer**If you're offended by anything you read in this post, feel like your toes have been stepped on, or feel excluded...you'll survive. Trust me.**
Its a gift; God's preparing the perfect mate for you; it will be worth the wait; don't rush God's timing; its not how close you can come but how far away you can stay from the line; I know exactly how you feel; you're always welcome to hang out with me and my spouse; can you watch our kid; let me communicate with my spouse...and the list goes on. As true as any of those statements may be, single people, especially females, get SUPER tired of hearing them. First, the ONLY people that should be making any statements like that are people who have ACTUALLY been anywhere near your shoes (or my pastor...and I mean MY pastor, Marc, that I trust, not just any pastor). Do not tell me its a gift or worth the wait if you got married at 20 or 21, crazy. Would you want someone coaching a baseball team who never made it beyond t-ball? No. So if you've never been my age and single, you may not be the best option for the person to teach me about how to live as a single adult.
Now that I'm off that soapbox, lets talk about Single Ministries or the lack of them at churches; which is basically just another one of my soapboxes =D. There are many churches, especially in large cities, that are made up mostly of people between 18 and 40, which lends them to a large group of singles. Which is great if you're wanting church to be a dating service. I have no issues with that, because it has to be better than using the bar for the same thing. However, I prefer a church with people of all ages for no reason other than I simply like the variety and the great interesting things you can learn from people who aren't your age. Therefore I tend to attend churches that have a good mix of all ages. The problem with that type of church is that, although all ages are represented, and the 20s-30s may also be very well represented, but with married people. So at a lot of the churches I've visited and my own, there are only about 10 people on any given Sunday who are post-college and pre-marriage. So, in my experience, this leaves me with two options for types of churches; an all young adult church with a dating service or a church with a variety of ages and no singles. This CAN'T be the only two options. There has to be an ability to have a thriving singles ministry at a church. I was in a church building not long ago that called the group of mixed young adults, Pairs & Spares, that is NOT the way to grow a ministry.
So here is my proposition on how to include singles in your church without having a church of all young adults and without telling the singles that they can participate in church by working in other ministries (children and youth are the most popular). Exclude people. That's the secret. Churches have to get over the fear of excluding married people, people over a certain age, or possibly even single people with children when it comes to programs/activities to bring in young single adults. Married people typically have several options of groups that they can spend time with at a church. People over 40 often have children (which means they fit with the next category) or adult women and adult men classes they can attend. People with children are often included with the married couples because they have similar lifestyles. However, single people who are post-college, pre-marriage, and in their 20s and 30s have nowhere to fit in. Sure, we're offered to work with the children/youth, sing in the choir, join the women's class, but when do we get to fellowship with people our own age? When do we get to talk about the things that affect our lives to one another? I do not want to only have married couples to talk to about what its like to try and live a godly single life at 28. The most popular responses are "it will happen in God's timing", "its worth the wait", "don't rush into anything", "use your singleness". We don't want to hear that all the time. We are in church, trying to be involved, clearly we know God, his timing, and his plan are important...let us discuss and complain to each other. If you want us to "use" our singleness, then let us minister together to the community. We constantly feel either excluded from activities or like we got the pity-invite because you know we have no where else to go. We want to be able to talk about our jobs/careers, grad school, and world travel with people who are doing the same things. I want to be able to discuss my nephew or my dog and get to hear about other peoples neices, nephews, and pets occassionally, but not talk about your kids all the time.
Not wanting to include everyone or not wanting to talk about PTA and school birthdays constantly may sound mean, but it isn't meant to be. Most of us work in a diverse environment where we can hear about that stuff any time. I like knowing what is going on in my coworkers lives, but I also like spending time with people who have lives like mine. People who spend their money on Kate Spade bags and trips to St. Lucia because we don't have a family to support. We are often made to feel like we're asking too much to have a singles class. That is crazy. We are asking to form our group of friends and peers with others who can share and strengthen our beliefs, we are asking to meet significant others among a group of Christians. Shouldn't our churches be encouraging that? Shouldn't they be asking how they can help? If we don't find friends and mates at church, we go elsewhere. That can, has, and will turn out poorly for some. Encourage the singles ministry, don't pity us or preach at us, don't send us couples who met at 19 and are still married at our ages to tell us how great married life is. Encourage us by helping form or grow our own ministry and not including us to work in yours. We are begging to be a part of church and to have our own notch to fit in. Don't assume you know what we want. Ask us. We may not be able to articulate how it should look, but we can tell you how we feel. Then together figure out a plan to make it happen in our own churches. We aren't youth or college kids, we don't need you to hold our hand, we just need you to support our efforts.
